Over the last few weeks I have said goodbye to so many people that I love, and so many who have looked to me for leadership in all kinds of situations. It is very easy to listen to all of the words about yourself and begin believing them. You begin to think that you are something, that you offer something to the world, that people need you, that you are valuable and are an asset. I have gone down this road to nowhere and have romanced the past. This road leads you to question your calling and to question whether you have done the right thing in leaving your entire life behind and literally starting over. Was I supposed to leave my job that I had worked so hard to achieve? Was I supposed to walk away from a church that embraced my family and I? What about all of those friends? You were just starting to get close to some people. Are you really supposed to leave them? What about the students and faculty that you got to impact? Why are you walking away? Why isn't the house selling? Did we do something wrong or are we going in an improper direction?
These thoughts are normal and natural for a person in my position...and they are of the world. They are wrong and they are selfish. These very thoughts are the thoughts that cause many people to turn back to their former life. Far too many assume that obstacles and difficulty are a sign from God that the door is closed. Don't go this way! It is blocked! I say all of that to say that I have experienced every one of these emotions and asked each of these questions over the last week. Each day is a challenge because it is so different and so uncomfortable relative to what I came from.
Here's what God's word says about situations such as these.
Matthew 7:13-14
“You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way. But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it.
It is funny how subtle Satan, the accuser, can be in turning your head to the past. It is easy to listen to those whisperings and think that they just might have a hint of truth to them.
Perhaps, Paul, you made a decision for yourself and weren't really following God after all.
Are you SURE it was God who was leading you here?
Didn't you just like the way the Northwest looked? You weren't REALLY interested in the people, were you?
What are you really going to do in Everett? You've never done anything like this! You don't have any kind of training!
What is your plan, Paul? You don't have a plan! You can't expect to accomplish anything without a plan?
Paul, you are not good enough to do this work. I know the things you have done.
How does Satan usually work? Let's again look to scripture.
Genesis 3:1
The serpent was the shrewdest of all the wild animals the Lord God had made. One day he asked the woman, “Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?”
“Of course we may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,” the woman replied. “It’s only the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God said, ‘You must not eat it or even touch it; if you do, you will die. ’”
“You won’t die!” the serpent replied to the woman.
Matthew 4:3-11
During that time the devil came and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become loaves of bread.”
But Jesus told him, “No! The Scriptures say,
‘People do not live by bread alone,
but by every word that comes from the mouth of God. ’”
Then the devil took him to the holy city, Jerusalem, to the highest point of the Temple, and said, “If you are the Son of God, jump off! For the Scriptures say,
‘He will order his angels to protect you.
And they will hold you up with their hands
so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone. ’”
Jesus responded, “The Scriptures also say, ‘You must not test the Lord your God. ’”
Next the devil took him to the peak of a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory. “I will give it all to you,” he said, “if you will kneel down and worship me.”
“Get out of here, Satan,” Jesus told him. “For the Scriptures say,
‘You must worship the Lord your God
and serve only him. ’”
Then the devil went away, and angels came and took care of Jesus.
The Lord has made it clear to me that I don't offer anything. I am not as smart as I think, and I can't manufacture His work. I have committed many sins, I have betrayed Him many times, and I don't deserve the calling that I have received. The only thing I have to offer is myself, and that is all He has asked me to give.
So what patterns do we see from these two passages? Satan is subtle in his suggestions and twists things that God has said just enough that you question it. He also has a pattern of involving himself when a person is at a low point, such as Jesus, who had fasted for 40 days prior to his temptation. So what can we do? Pray, and rely completely on the Holy Spirit.
I had one of my low moments on Thursday. I found myself back in Portland walking around among the people there and I was wondering what to do. I don't know anyone here and don't have a guidebook to tell me what to do. What the heck was I doing here? And there back at home was my family. Were we going through all of this trouble for anything at all? Why don't I just go back the way I came? I felt very alone, and many thoughts paraded through my head.
God in his grace said this to me in response to my anxiety about leaving my old job:
1 John 2:15-17
Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world. And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever.
And I began to think about our unsold house again, and His response was:
Matthew 8:20-22
But Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens to live in, and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place even to lay his head.”
Another of his disciples said, “Lord, first let me return home and bury my father.”
But Jesus told him, “Follow me now. Let the spiritually dead bury their own dead.”
And Lord, I continue to have sin in my heart! I'm not good! I shouldn't be here!
2 Samuel 14:14
All of us must die eventually. Our lives are like water spilled out on the ground, which cannot be gathered up again. But God does not just sweep life away; instead, he devises ways to bring us back when we have been separated from him.
So Saturday I set out with these things on my heart. The Lord took me to Multnomah Falls off of the Columbia River Gorge, and I worshipped His majesty as He displayed His creation. Again, I was reminded that I am nothing and He is everything. It was good to be still and take in His goodness.
Tonight is my first night in Everett, Washington. I finally got to enter what Amanda and I are calling the "Promised Land."
I unloaded my U-haul into storage, dropped the trailer, and headed to the hotel. Even at the U-Haul facility I felt that the Lord was giving me little hints that He is in this still. Notice that our storage unit number, randomly assigned, is the Houston area code. He reserved this for someone from Houston.
I had a sense that I was not supposed to sit in the hotel this evening and just pass time watching TV. I decided to look up local coffee shops so that I might go there and work on the blog, read, and perhaps talk to somebody. I went to 2 different ones, one that was closed, and the next which was just a drive-up place. The third intrigued me because it was advertised as a live music venue. It also is on Wetmore Avenue, the same street that holds the house we are praying over.
The artist that was playing when I walked in was solo: just him and his guitar. His music was probably closest to being Folk music, but his words struck me like a hammer as I was typing. His last song ended with the words "the story begins tonight." It was as though the Lord himself were sitting across from me again with reassuring words. "Paul, I have this."
The Lord is good. I hope you can see as I do that He is involved through every step of this journey. May He be glorified in what he does through our family.
The story begins tonight.
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