For Mom

I am blessed to have had two really good parents.  I had a Mom who decided early on to stay at home so she could raise me, and a Dad who worked hard but still was involved in my life.  They both set such a tremendous example for me to try to live up to as a parent of 5 boys, and I think often about what they did with me when we encounter those very same situations with my 5.  The parent’s curse…

Everyone has those moments in life when everything just stops, and even years later you can remember exactly where you were and what you were doing when the event happened.  Thursday April 9th marked the 4-year anniversary of one of those moments for me.  I was unloading a pallet of grass in my front yard with Samuel and Zachary, and the phone rang.

“Paul…she’s gone.”

Mom passed away at St. Luke’s Hospital in the Texas Medical Center after a 13-year battle with an awful and rare disease called Scleroderma.  If you’ve never heard of it, you aren’t alone because it doesn’t occur often and the medical profession doesn’t even know what causes it. 

I always mourn during this week even if I’m not trying to.  If you’ve experienced the death of a close loved one you know what I’m talking about.  You’ll find that you are sad and don’t know why, then you look at the calendar and realize that it is a special date marking time you would have spent with that person, and then you remember. 

I want to tell of several of the ways in which she impacted me because I believe it has something to teach all of the parents and future parents out there.  I also believe you will see God’s hand in it, both in how He worked in my life through her and in how He even used the tough things we went through to make us ready for Seattle. Since not all of you have or have had a great Mom, my thoughts on her may not be something you can relate to.  But they are something that you can imitate, because the Lord used her in my life although I didn’t ever realize it at the time.

Does Prayer Work?

When I was in elementary school I can remember my mom periodically suggesting that we pray for my future wife.  That sometimes seemed like a strange thing to do but I always had an excitement that she was out there somewhere and that maybe this God knew who she was and was with her right at that moment.  As best as I can tell, we did that throughout the years but particularly in elementary school. 

If you wonder if prayer works, consider this:  during some of the later elementary school years Amanda was living in El Paso, Texas with her Mom who had been widowed in 1980, left with 3 small kids.  In the succeeding years her Mom dealt with the pain as many people do by drowning it in alcohol.  Their family went through many very difficult times for a string of years afterward until her grandparents interceded and got her Mom the help that she really needed.  For a time, the kids lived with them while their Mom finally confronted alcoholism and overcame it.  She never went back to it for the rest of her life.

Now I have no written records of when we prayed for Amanda as a child, but I am certain of this.  When we prayed, it was in moments when she needed the Lord’s help.  There we were in Kingwood, Texas, praying for a little girl and her family that we didn’t know and knew nothing about.  We just knew we needed to pray.  I strongly believe that those prayers were lifted up at just the moment that Amanda and her family needed it.  God worked in a similar way when both she and I prayed to meet our future spouse, and we both did it around the same time prior to meeting each other.  That’s how God works.

In My Face

Mom was always the one to sit with me when I got home from school and relentlessly press me for information regarding what was going on in my life at the time.  I was typical as a kid, always prepared with the answer of “fine” when asked how I was doing (I still do this too often).  But Mom never let it go and wanted to know how I was doing.  She did it from a good heart and I now realize that her involvement in my life made me trust and respect she and Dad even more. 

Involved, available parents are parents who show they care.  It doesn’t have to be acknowledged verbally.  It is just understood.  Parents like these keep their kids out of trouble not because they are so willing to bring the pain if the kid messes up.  Instead, their kid doesn’t want to disappoint them.

Mom and I used to have big arguments, and upon reflection I know why.  If you know me you know her as well because we were very similar in personality!  But we always made up pretty quickly and I never felt like those things hung around for weeks, months, or years.  They were done.

Divine Providence and a Bigger Plan

I would still tell you that the purpose of me working for Humble ISD as science coordinator for 3 years was so that I would get to spend the last 3 years of Mom’s life with her.  We ate lunch together a whole lot and came full circle during that time.  I was able to really talk with her again and we got to the point where we discussed her life, her declining health, and the death that would soon take her.  Those are special moments that I will never forget.

After experiencing Mom’s funeral in April of 2011 and even speaking at it, which only the Father could have given me the courage to do, I slipped gradually away from the Lord as a deep-set anger set in regarding this loss.  This often happens after an event like this, and events such as this one have the ability to draw you closer to the Lord or push you away.  I was definitely the latter.  I continued teaching Sunday School at our church and even became a deacon, but will acknowledge that the undercurrent of this loss endured.  I could tell you academically about the Lord’s love for people, but I didn’t fully understand it for myself.

Only 6 weeks after her death I was asked to become the associate principal at Summer Creek High School, and fortunately this job gave me a needed distraction from the pain.  But distraction doesn’t mean pain goes away.  It takes a long time to heal from a loss so great. 

Approximately 6 months later we met our future adopted sons Elijah, Isaiah, and Josiah, all of whom had experienced significant loss themselves.  In some ways we have been able to understand their losses because we have gone through some losses ourselves. 

Even in those moments, I privately asked why we as a family were having to deal with such loss, change, and pain.

God in the Darkness

The turning point for me came as we made our mission trip to Seattle in August of 2013.  I approached the trip reluctantly at first although I definitely felt the Lord doing something in having us go on this trip.  The Pacific Northwest just wouldn’t leave our minds, and it had been 4 years since we had been there.  And on this trip, I heard the voice of the King.

“Child, the time has come for you to go.”

It was during this trip that the Lord reminded me that I had much life ahead of me, and that He wanted to take me into deeper relationship with Himself.  During the trip I felt a reawakening, a shift of mindset, and a reminder that God is very personal and very real.  It was as though I had come alive again after that moment, and in doing the Lord’s work I felt more alive than I have ever felt in my life.

Lessons Learned

The Lord had a plan for our family and for me.  He knew that the path of pain and loss were tools to shape us into the people He wanted us to be, and that these tools were preparatory for our future.  Some would say that God is cruel in allowing hard things in our lives, but consider this:

Which is more loving?  To prevent a person from going through hardship and pain even though you know it will make them better, prepare them for the future, and bring them closer to yourself?

OR

Allowing hardship and pain because it is preparation for something much more difficult, and will bring them closer in the only relationship that matters in this life or the next.

Carefully consider your answer.

What can you learn as a parent or future parent from my Mom? 

• Teach your kids to pray, and pray for their future spouse, their protection, and help for their family.  You never know what they are going through at that moment.

• Be involved with your kids and know what they are thinking, know who their friends are, and be willing to coach them at any time. 

• Be willing to put your life on hold for a few years to raise your young kids.  The daily impact you have in the small conversations and interactions with your kids will change them for the long-term.

• Be a model for how to be married successfully to another person.  Fight fair and love unconditionally.

And while I have lost my Mom, I still have a wonderful Dad whom I love dearly, and our relationship endures to this day.  And beyond Dad, I have a big crazy family that has changed everything I ever thought about life.  And even beyond that, I have discovered a God who never ceases to surprise me by His love and compassion for me.  In Seattle, in one of the most spiritually dark places in the United States, I have discovered a Heavenly Father who is all powerful, all loving, and all caring.  I have discovered a God who never gives up on me even when I mess up, who disciplines me as necessary but who doesn’t crush me when I’m down or when I fail Him.  This God chose me before I chose Him.  And the crazy part is that I’m not special.  He feels that way about you as well.